Here’s why your friends never include you in their plans and why should you make your peace with it

Imagine you are scrolling through your social media and see photos of your friends, all together, out and about, having a fun time together, and you are not in it. In fact, you weren’t even told about the plans. And there seems to be a pattern to it, because it’s not the first time, it’s been happening repeatedly. Getting the news from social media or any third person for that matter can be tough in what is already an emotionally challenging situation and can leave you questioning your friendship. But… 

What could have gone wrong?

It is important to remember that one must not jump to the worst case scenario immediately should they find themselves in such a situation. There could be a host of reasons as to why your friends don’t invite you. Some of them might not necessarily reflect on the strength of the friendship.  

Availability and assumption

Some basic reasons could be scheduling conflicts. Perhaps your friends are making plans at times where you’re just not available or assume that you won’t be coming because you’re so caught up. Another reason could be that you live far from where they stay or where the plan is made, which is why you aren’t called because your friends know that commuting will be a problem.  

Another reason could be limited space or resources. And by this we mean that you end up getting a table of four and there are five people, which is why one person is left out. Or perhaps you’re the singleton in a friend circle where everyone’s dating and comes with their partner. It shouldn’t be the case, but it can be a reason. 

There is also miscommunication, where your friends assume that you’re not interested in coming, don’t tell you about the plan or forget to tell you about it altogether.  

The friendship and its dynamic have changed with time

There could also be more difficult issues. For example, the group dynamic has changed. Your friends have formed a clique where they’ve not excluded you completely, but have done so indirectly. These dynamics play a big role. There could be actual conflict that’s causing them to exclude you. The friendship wasn’t as strong as you thought in your head. 

Talk things out and you will get your answer

Communication is always better than not talking. This is why it’s important to address the issue at hand and clear things out with your friends. Do it in a calm and non-confrontational manner. Let them know that you feel left out and it’s been something that’s bothering you and you’d like to be included. If your friends are receptive to your concerns, they will work towards it and resolve the problem. They might realise that they never considered how you felt and they will rectify things by understanding you. If they aren’t, then you have your answer is right in front of you.  

You could be the problem, or part of it

It’s also very important to reflect on your own behaviour. If you feel that you’ve been categorically excluded from these plans for no apparent reason, then ask yourself if you’ve been doing something that is driving your friends away. Being honest with yourself is crucial here. You cannot ignore what you bring to the table in the group dynamic. If you feel that you’re not the problem and the friends are still ignoring you, expanding your social circle and reaching out to new people is also important. Loneliness can be tough at the end of the day and you don’t want that.  

There’s nothing wrong with being not wanted, you’re just different than them. So gather your self-respect, move on, and make new friends who’d treat you right.  

With inputs by Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Sir H N Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai.