Why the 'beige flag' dating trend is problematic

Anyone familiar with modern dating will have come across the concept of ‘red flags’ and ‘green flags’—the former are relationship deal breakers, to be avoided at all costs (dishonesty, cheating, and rudeness are on my own personal list) while the latter are good signs (texting back on time, thoughtfulness and having nice friends come to mind). But a new trend has recently emerged on social media, and it’s somewhere in-between: the ‘beige flag’.

So what exactly is a beige flag? There are myriad answers according to TikTok: dunking biscuits in tea. Using caps lock excessively. Employing too many emojis on WhatsApp. Believing in one or two conspiracy theories. Sneezing a bit too loudly. Ironing their socks. Beige flags usually crop up a few months into a relationship; they aren’t necessarily problems, but aren’t exactly plus points either. “I once dated a man who was obsessive about the way he organised the mugs in his kitchen,” says Charlotte, 38. “It didn’t really bother me, but it was a bit annoying.” In other words? A classic beige flag.

“Beige flags are best described as those little quirks when you start dating someone that you notice as a bit off,” says Tina Wilson, relationship expert and founder of the dating app Wingman. “They might not be deal-breakers like red flags, which are warning signs that shouldn’t be ignored, but are instead odd traits or funny habits which are seen as not ideal by the other person in the relationship.”

In the digital age of dating, when we can so easily swipe through an endless stream of potential partners on apps and filter our own lives on social media, it’s easy to see why we might be inclined to spot beige flags in our relationships. We are all on the hunt for an elusive standard of perfection that doesn’t exist—and it’s making us dismiss people for what are, ultimately, harmless quirks.

“Modern-day society has conditioned us through popular culture and beauty standards to see things as unacceptable when really, they’re just part of someone’s character,” says Wilson. “This can stop people from progressing a date to something serious, and you may never know if that person was right for you. The beige flag trend might encourage you to be intolerant to a large majority of people, jeopardising your future happiness.”

Beige flags are closely linked to ‘ick’ culture: the idea that you can be turned off by a very small, specific thing, and never regain attraction to your partner again. The weirdest examples online include everything from watching your loved one eating a prawn sandwich on a train, to referring to sex by a cutesy name. On TikTok, hundreds of thousands of icks are shared every day, ranging from the niche to the absurd. Like beige flags, icks are entirely subjective; what makes one person’s skin crawl may not even be noticed by another. “I once dated a friend’s housemate and it used to drive me mad that he would never, ever turn off the lights when he left the flat,” says Olive, 32. “My friend hadn’t even noticed.”

Of course, what makes two people compatible is hard to define, and you should never feel like you have to disregard behaviours that really irritate you. All relationships, however, are about compromise to some extent, so you need to be realistic when it comes to assessing whether a beige flag is really worth breaking up over. “Self-reflection is a major factor in overcoming beige flags and really thinking about what you want in a partner,” says Wilson. “Think about your expectations and establish if they are reasonable.”

Ultimately, it’s important to remember that every one of us has quirks—your tendency to absent-mindedly chew the ends of your hair might be a serious beige flag to someone else. But, to the right person, all your habits and idiosyncrasies, far from being negatives, will be what makes you charming and individual. If you give yourself time to get to know someone, you might just find that the way they stir their tea, fold their jumpers or sing to themselves in the shower won’t be beige flags at all—in fact, they will be what makes you fall in love.

This piece originally appeared in Harper's Bazaar UK