What is the three-date rule and why it’s a good idea

How many dates does it take to know if the person you’re seeing is the one? How long should you date before making it official? Should you wait for a third date before you have sex? The three-date rule roughly dates back to the early ‘90s. It states that if you are seeing someone new, you should wait for a third date before having sex with them (Remember what Carrie Bradshaw and her friends say in Sex and the City?). Today, the rule is making a comeback with a wider and broadened understanding of the term.
 
Within the realms of the fast-paced, dating-app ridden world, a third date can mean a lot. In an article, Dr Chloe Carmichael writes about how it’s almost perceived as an achievement to reach the third date. She writes, "Because of how rare the third date might be for some people to reach there, you might throw a lot of weight onto it. On the one hand, you're more comfortable with this person than you were on the first date because you're no longer total strangers. But on the other hand, you're likely in over your head more than usual.” Overall, a third date is often considered just about the right time to think if the person might be a good match in the long run. And while there might not be a need to put a timeline on the relationship, a three-date rule might not be such a bad idea to understand whether your values, goals, dreams, and purpose align with your partner’s. 

In his book, 8 Rules of Love, Jay Shetty writes extensively about the three-date rule in the chapter titled, “Define love before you think it, feel it, or say it.” The book offers a simple guide to navigate and give direction to conversations over the three dates to help you know if the relationship might be a good idea. “In these dates you’ll focus on three areas: whether you like their personality, whether you respect their values, and whether you would like to help them achieve their goals,” he writes. 

Shetty points out that the three dates don’t even need to be one after the other. The three dates can (and should) be interspersed with movie nights filled with junk food, a day out on the town or a dinner. However, you should keep in mind that the conversation continues to build and grow after each date. 

The conversation can begin with simple attributes and things to know about a person, like their hobbies, favourite book, movie or cuisine. Sometimes, even the simplest questions can give you more than just a glimpse into a person’s character. “Your ‘Date Two’ could come after any number of dates spent dancing, going to museums or talking casually over dinner. Encourage your date to share meaningful stories and details about their life," he writes. Now, your conversation can go a little deeper—about their past, their favourite person, a life-changing moment and more. By the third date, you have shared and learned enough about each other to have free-flowing conversations about anything you might want to talk about—your goals, family etc. 

This may seem like too much pressure but share what feels natural to you—no more and no less. Take these dates as an opportunity to spend time with someone new and give yourself a fresh perspective on run-of-the-mill things. 

The end of three dates does not have to be the D-day to decide about the relationship, but there are a few things you should know by then. In the last part of the chapter, Shetty elaborates on the idea that while you may not have similar personalities or share the same values, it is important to respect all aspects of their personality. You should also know if their relationship or dating goals are aligned with yours. Knowing their goals outside of the relationship will help you understand where the relationship is headed and if you want to be part of these goals. Dr Carmichael points out that a third date and all that it brings with it should be a signal enough for you to know that you don’t want to see them ever again and they are nowhere close to what you’re looking for. 

So while we wouldn’t recommend having hard-and-fast three-date rules, we’re definitely all for the keep-in-minds and conversation starters that will help you grow, learn and love the other person better.