We need to stop seeing a break-up as a failure

Following weeks of speculation about their relationship, it has been confirmed that Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are divorcing, after two years of marriage (and two decades after they aborted their first wedding).

The rumour mill had been working overtime, with the pair spending their summers apart and Affleck being demonstrably missing from Lopez’s Bridgerton­-themed birthday party. The legal documents show the pair have actually been separated since April, but the divorce was filed on what would have been their second wedding anniversary in a particularly juicy twist.

The more snarky commentators among us may have thought this break-up was inevitable. Getting back with an ex is generally frowned upon, despite a study from BetterHelp showing that 44 per cent of Americans have reunited with a partner they’ve previously split from. The general consensus tends to be that an ex is an ex for a reason; instead of looking back at what you once had, it’s better to look forward and move on. Bennifer’s love story is a particularly unusual example of this—both went off, married and had children with other people before reuniting and announcing their engagement in 2022, as if the 18 years in-between were merely a brief interlude.

We too easily equate break-ups with failure, a black mark of shame against our name. We try and do everything we can to avoid them; we go to couples counselling to “save” relationships, we announce divorces shamefacedly, we’re offered pitying smiles and pats on the back when we break the news. We’re similarly hawkish over celebrity break-ups; we're quick to pass judgement, to say ‘that was never going to work’—particularly if they’ve broken up before. But endings, while they seem absolute, do not need to mean the relationship has come to nothing. Not every love story needs reach Odyssey lengths to have been worthwhile. Some are short stories, others mere chapters—but that doesn’t mean they’re not just as filled with love, lessons and happiness.

When we’re lying in bed at night, poring over our mistakes and surveying the remnents of our relationship debris, it’s understandable that we might consider a split as a failure. But we must consider the light when ruminating on the shade. There’s a strength in seeing when something is no longer working and walking away, no matter how difficult it feels at the time.

Instead of an ending, we should reframe break-ups as an opportunity. This is a time to take stock, ascertain what you really want—be that from a relationship or from life more generally—and seek what truly makes you happy. There’s no reason why losing love can’t be liberating in other respects; it’s why 40 per cent of us go on to view our break-ups in a positive light. They’re merely stepping stones on the path to greater things.