Why does one say, ‘You deserve better’ in a break-up and not work on improving themselves

Breakups are hard to take on the chin. Making things worse at the time are the things one says and does. Universally acknowledged, the pen is mightier than the sword, so naturally, words have a lasting impact and can often pierce like a dagger through your heart. One of the most common things said and heard is the favourite ‘You deserve better’ (which comes close to... ‘It’s not you, it’s me’). Those three words kind of make one wonder and ask themselves, "Why doesn’t the person saying this change if they know what the other person deserves". The answer to this, according to two counsellors, is right in front of us. It always was. 

WHY DOES ONE SAY IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?

There are two ways to look at the situation when someone says ‘You deserve better’. One is that it’s an attempt to soften the blow and they want to provide a sense of comfort to the other person. While you do have the right intentions, the partner hearing it never feels better. The silver lining to this dark cloud is that, with time, they will find better—for that is what they deserve. And the second is it being a way of acknowledging that the relationship wasn’t working out and they actually want their partner to be happy—without them. 

DO THEY MEAN THE TRUTH? 

If someone says, ‘It’s not you, it’s me. And I don’t think that I’m not bringing value to the relationship’ during a break-up, it could be that they’ve thought about it and have tried to put in the effort. This is a way of letting the partner know that they’ve given it their all towards making this work, but it’s just not happening. While there are many reasons and factors as to why things are not working out, it’s important to remember that it all starts with trying. Unless a person has not done so, they will never know. Having gone through it all and fully knowing that the reason why things aren’t working out has nothing to do with the other person is what makes one say this truthfully. Instead of putting yourself in an area of stress constantly, one where you’re uncomfortable, they’re choosing to not go ahead. 

OR ARE THEY LYING?

But when one reads in between the lines, they’d soon realise that these three words are extremely mainstream and quite often people say it because something has to be said. They also do so because they don’t want to change or put in the effort, that depends on two things—the ability and the inclination to make it work. Not knowing how to change and not wanting to change is what the entire dynamic of the relationship, in that point in time, depends on. It’s a subtle or not so subtle way of deflecting the responsibility of the breakup on the other person. One that lets them know that this is what it is, take it or leave it. 

SELF-LOVE IS THE BEST LOVE, SO MOVE ON

When someone wants out, it’s always for the good. The other partner should never try to push. When both people put in the effort and come to a middle ground to make things work, it’s fine because it’s mutual. When one person says that it’s not working and not putting in the effort, it’s a clear indication of them wanting out. If someone is not willing to make the change to improve the relationship, the best course of action is to get up, leave, and find a better match. So if the person says, ‘You deserve better’, believe them and move on. That’s the best course of action.

Inputs by Sherene Aftab, founder of Serene Hour Counselling & Career Advice Consultancy and Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Sir H N Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai