How can we raise our boys to be better men?

Many parents raising boys are questioning the ideals and mindsets we have on masculinity and what it means to be ‘a man’. This has sparked a very serious question we need to ask ourselves: how can we raise emotionally healthy men and be solid support structures for them as parents, teachers, and mentors in their lives? As a mother of two boys, I’m very conscious that I am raising them to be good men, to prepare them for what the future will hold. And it’s not about getting them the best educational toys or books, or enrolling them into a multitude of classes and activities. Instead, it’s about the one thing we often neglect to consider—their mental and emotional health, and the everyday language that we use with them around expressing emotions. The expectation weighs so heavily on them to “man up” by not showing emotions. Boys and girls experience the same feelings, but how as a society can we allow boys to express them so drastically differently to girls?

As girls, we are told it’s okay to cry and show emotions, but boys are constantly shunted the other way and told to be a man, “Don’t cry, keep it inside, don’t be weak." We send the wrong message when we teach them not to be vulnerable. We praise them when they are ‘strong’. They grow up hiding and repressing their feelings while building up a dangerous cocktail of emotions resulting in unhealthy relationships that could lead to depression.

They feel they always need to be in control, be dominant, and have power over others, not expressing any emotion except for anger. This is so profoundly damaging to boys as they grow up and struggle to be healthy adults. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention reported that in 2020, men died by suicide 3.88 times more than women.

How do we shift our mindset and teach our boys the emotional intelligence that we all need to have rich, healthy, and happy lives while taking care of our wellbeing and mental health? Change needs to begin with us as their parents. We need to alter the conversation so that our boys don’t end up as repressed adults that turn their suppressed emotions into violence or other unhealthy behaviours. There are two things we can do immediately to develop emotionally healthy boys.

The first step would be to stop telling them to suppress their feelings. Let us allow our boys to cry. Crying after all is a way to release all the built up emotions that they have inside. Let us allow them to be sad, angry, and to express themselves as long as it’s not inflicting outward harm to others or themselves. When I see one of my sons upset, I tell him, “It’s okay to not be okay." I tell him that it takes a strong person to admit their weakness and to talk about it. Let us validate and accept their emotions, feelings, and thoughts instead of shaming and controlling, even when the people they are angry with are us. Let us create a home where they feel safe to express their feelings.

The second step would be to listen to our boys. Truly listen to them. Talk about what led them to the tears and anger. Help them work out these emotions. Perhaps not at the moment of their distress when they may have shut down their ability to listen and reason, but afterwards when they’ve calmed down and have a more clear head.

In his book How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men, Michael C. Reichert tells us to give ourselves the gift of listening to our boys. And to not give up when boys seem like they don’t want this gift because they can’t help themselves – they will want it sooner or later.

Let’s also be deliberate about listening by carving out time in our day to listen to our boys even when they aren’t emotionally upset. Whether at dinnertime or before bedtime, or during walks with a dog. Let’s listen deeply to their thoughts and ideas. Through listening, we are building a strong connection through trust. And this will help us raise well-adjusted sons, friends, brothers, fathers, colleagues, and so on.

When boys have loving, trusting, accepting, and intimate relationships, they can better understand, express, and detangle their emotional experiences. This in turn helps in their development of social skills for understanding, caring, and getting along with others. If we don’t enable boys to exercise their emotional abilities, or if we don’t listen to them and encourage them to talk about their feelings (and describe feelings with language), it will be harder and harder for them to develop that skill as they grow up.

And finally, while change starts with us in the household, we can also help spread the message by being vocal and sharing our beliefs and experiences on social media, in friend groups, and within our communities. Things don’t often change overnight, but it’s important to get the conversation going that there is a better way. Our boys’ mental health and happiness are depending on it.

Let’s start having this conversation, because we are not just raising boys to be better men. We are raising boys who will also learn how to raise their boys to be better men, too...

Photos: Chuanpis, Shutterstock

This piece originally appeared in Harper’s Bazaar Arabia’s July/August 2022 issue.