Here’s how to recover from a situationship that almost killed your optimism
It’s not you, it’s them!
Those who know me know the fact that I hate uncertainties with a passion. Sure, life is unpredictable, but I am a Monica when it comes to wanting to be in charge of the steering wheel. Of course, to expect your relationships to be textbook-perfect is a crime of delusional optimism, but not knowing where all that time you are investing in a person is going, is not my cup of tea.
While situationships usually start with the pair deciding to be a non-couple and keeping it casual, things really start looking a lot like a real relationship…except that it’s not. You start talking every day, the wham-bam sessions almost always end up in the warmest cuddles, and the 3:00 am conversations are so potent that sometimes they lead to round two! That is just level one of potential emotional hazard.
Let’s be honest, in most situationships, there is always one person who likes the other more. That person, more often than not, starts hoping for things to get labeled. But guess what, your boo lost their label maker, and you…lost your faith in people’s ability to commit.
Situationships are born out of convenience—you are getting good sex, great conversations, butterflies in your stomach, and companionship. As long as you both are on the same page, these empty calories may not nourish you, but you will feel happy and satiated. Until one person starts wanting more or being in an arrangement like that stops feeding your soul.
The thing is, if you are that person who wants more, it can leave you questioning your self-worth and the dating pool, and you are constantly in a state of lack. And once you muster up the courage to choose being single over being in a situationship, it’s likely that your optimism has died a slow death.
If you are in that phase where you need to recover from a situationship, here are a few tips that will help you.
Believe them when they say, ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’
It’s such a cliché, and if there’s one thing that we learnt in our dating careers (yes, I call my love life that because I get better with experience!) it is that they almost never mean it. Guess what? Who cares what they mean to say? The fact is that if they are label-phobic, and you are not, it’s not on you. If they don’t see themselves getting into a relationship with you, it doesn’t take away from the goodness you have in your heart. It just means they are not ready for commitment right now, and they need to work through their own baggage. Let me tell you one thing about baggage, unless it’s Louis Vuitton, you can walk right past it.
Forgive yourself, forgive them, forgive the universe
We are so emotionally driven that we forget to see people from an unbiased perspective. Sure, your heart is aching but if you switch on your empathy mode, you will realise that they need to heal, too. On the other hand, you beat yourself up too for not having seen this coming, for allowing yourself to fall for them and more. On gloomier days, you question what the universe even has in store for you. Forgive and let go of those grudges that are holding you in captivity. Sooner, than later, you will see your optimism returning and how.
Words of affirmation may help
Everything is secondary, but the worst damage a situationship can do is to your self-worth. Many people start ruminating over the fact that the other person didn’t want to commit to them, and they take it quite personally. They make a mental list of every single flaw they have, and the situation can make them feel anxious. Words of affirmation from your loved ones and from yourself can help you fortify your self-concept again. Out of all things in life, we should be able to look at ourselves with more optimism.
Reflect on your dating patterns
It takes two to tango. If you’ve been finding yourself in the middle of the relationship-version of no-man’s land, you need to ask yourself if you tend to attract that. Several studies point out that we tend to go for emotionally unavailable people or doomed relationships because we ourselves have a subconscious fear of commitment. Researchers also suggest that this happens if we grew up in a household with detached parents. Either way, take this time to consciously reflect on your dating patterns and find solutions to changing those. Once you know that you are not doomed, and it is fixable, life will seem better again.
Be single
Nothing kills a person’s optimism more than a series of bad dating encounters. It’s better to go on no dates than to be on a bad one. The reason is that you will start associating romantic connections with negative feelings, further deterring you from looking at love from a positive perspective. You don’t need a rebound. What you need is to heal and to love yourself again.
Consider prioridating
Once you feel like you are ready to date again, approach it with a plan of action. Prioridating is all about making a list of your needs and finding love with those filters in mind. This helps you stay focused and not compromise on what your soul needs from relationships. As I said, uncertainty is the enemy of peace. Knowing what you want and what you are looking for will make you feel hopeful again.