Do we look for our parents in the partners that we choose?

Our experience with our parents largely determines many of our characteristics and life choices—our demeanour, problem-solving skills, choice of career, and even our love interest. Hoping for a partner who has some attributes of our parents isn’t unheard of. It’s also true that some of us do not want our better half to be anything like them. In either case, it’s something that most of us have experienced and sometimes been baffled about. 

Hence, we got a couple of counselors and psychologists to demystify this for us, and here’s what they have to say.

F for family, F for familiarity

Familiarity is one of the primary reasons why we choose partners just like our parents. “It all stems from it (familiarity) and comfort. Some patterns are favourable, others, perhaps, not so much. Depending on your experience, you develop a notion of what works best for you and what doesn’t as an individual,” says Kamna Chhibber, clinical psychologist and head of the Department of Mental Health and Behavioral Sciences at Fortis Healthcare. 

Familiarity leads to habit formation. “These (habits) could be either positive or negative. When you see positive traits and good habits, you wish your partner shares the same qualities. On the flip side, if your parents were abusive or had one too many negative traits,  you will likely be in unhealthy relationships without batting an eyelid as it all seems a bit too familiar to you,” shares Sherene Aftab, founder at Serene Hour Counselling & Career Advice Consultancy.

So, why do we do it?

According to studies, a child will learn what to look for in a mate from the people they interact with the most early in life. And in most cases, it is the parents. “An individual will identify, learn and seek traits and values that their parents or early caretakers have,” says Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Sir H N Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai.

Look at the bigger picture

An individual is much more than that one quality or attribute you love in them that your parent shares. According to Chhibber, “What people don’t realise a lot of the times is that a single trait does not define a person. It never plays in isolation. Your partner may have one trait in common with your parent but may not have the accompanying attributes that work together to make them like your favoured parent. You have to look at the overall personality. You can prioritise some characteristics that are important to you, but can’t neglect what makes the person unique." 

Know that your partner and parents will always be different

“If you’ve seen your parents work and behave in a particular way that appeals to you, there are good chances that you will expect your partner to behave the same way, and soon you start comparing them. This is where your relationship with your partner can probably take an ugly turn. It’s important to support each other and sometimes even forget the familiar. Focus on your partner’s good traits, whether or not they have anything in common with your parent, rather than on something that’s missing. That’s what love is all about,” concludes Aftab.