Self-compassion is absent from many self-care conversations, but is key to body acceptance

Many of us struggle with our body image, often plagued by a lack of self-compassion. As a model, my world was dominated by the pursuit of perfect bodies, a standard I constantly felt I had to meet. I was not alone in this; regardless of industry, countless people chase thinness as if it were a career, sacrificing their wellbeing in the process.

The pursuit of so-called ‘perfection’ often takes one down the path of negative body image, which has numerous adverse consequences—including eating disorders, depression, low self-esteem, and substance abuse. Given the prevalence and harmful effects of negative body image, it's crucial to explore interventions that can help improve how we see ourselves.

The fact is, every human being has a body image, and it's normal for this perception to change based on factors like your environment, the people around you, and even how much sleep you get. Think too about the messages we see every day, often promoting some kind of body ideal—whether that’s a thin, athletic, or curvy aesthetic. Research shows that these messages can lead to self-objectification, where we start to see ourselves through society's critical, objectifying lens. This can make us value our bodies less, and feel worse about ourselves.

But the big question is: how can we take control of how we see ourselves, and find acceptance?

The importance of self-compassion in self-care
I believe the missing ingredient is self-compassion. Despite the growing self-care movement—which at times I believe is misleadingly sold as being solely about spa days or bubble baths—self-compassion is often absent from the narrative.

But what actually is self-compassion? It is not self-pity, which many people may confuse it with, and which means we feel sorry for ourselves. Self-compassion is a learning experience, where we learn to accept our failures and suffering, and teach ourselves to be kind and accepting, rather than being self-critical.

Dr Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in the field, identifies three components of self-compassion:

1. Self-kindness: being warm and understanding toward oneself rather than self-judgmental.
2. Common humanity: recognising that suffering and imperfection are part of the shared human experience, rather than feeling isolated by one's flaws.
3. Mindfulness: observing one's thoughts and feelings without getting overly identified with them or avoiding them.

How often can you apply these thoughts when looking at your body image, or indeed any failures that happen in your life? Self-compassion may be one factor that has the potential to offset the negative consequences of being concerned about your appearance.

I've seen firsthand just how invaluable self-compassion is when confronting body-image struggles or any perceived failure in life. Practising self-kindness can counterbalance the negative spiral we often fall into when we are hyper-focused on our flaws and shortcomings.

Self-compassion nurtures acceptance, whereas harsh self-criticism feeds control. When we berate ourselves with that inner critic, we become disconnected from our bodies and emotions. But self-compassion allows us to approach ourselves with understanding and tenderness.

Beyond that, self-compassion also increases motivation to pursue positive health behaviours. Self-compassionate people tend to be driven by mastery goals, in that they want to learn, grow and improve themselves. They're less motivated by superficial performance goals that are about boosting their self-image in others' eyes. The self-compassionate approach seems to free people from a paralysing fear of failure and cultivates a greater belief in their own capabilities. So, while still striving to achieve, self-compassionate individuals do it for the right reasons—their own betterment and fulfilment—rather than chasing external validation (Neff, 2005).

How self-compassion has changed me
I was always embarrassed about my calves; I was a runner so they were always strong but when I was modelling I was told time and again that they were too big and bulky—so I became fixated on them. I used to avoid anything mid-length for that very reason.

Now instead of that voice in my head saying “you can’t show you calves, it makes your legs look bigger when you do”, I take a few deep breaths to centre myself, then look in the mirror and speak words of kindness: “Sarah, that's the voice of insecurity, not truth—your body is not the problem here, you're holding on to so many unrealistic and harsh beauty standards”.

I place my hands on my belly and say: “This body allows me to experience life fully. To walk in nature, to hug loved ones, to practice my hobbies. It is strong, resilient and amazing.” Then I zoom out: “Pretty much everyone worries about their appearance sometimes. It's normal to have insecurities. I'm not alone in feeling self-conscious—this is just part of being human.”

In my opinion, this self-compassionate mindset has the profound potential to counteract the consequences of society's obsession with appearance. By meeting our insecurities with compassion rather than judgment, we cultivate self-worth independent of societal beauty ideals. We learn to appreciate our bodies' strengths and capabilities rather than obsessing over their aesthetic 'imperfections'.

Many studies have shown that self-compassion is negatively associated with body dissatisfaction and body shame, and positively associated with body appreciation, making it a strong candidate for improving body image.

In addition to changing my mental narrative, I came across a study by Dr Neff which found that writing self-compassion letters can significantly improve body image for women, regardless of their size. This research focused on college-aged women and compared the effects of self-compassion letter-writing to other activities meant to deal with negative body image feelings.

In the study, participants were divided into groups based on their Body Mass Index (BMI) to see if weight influenced the effectiveness of the self-compassion exercise. Additionally, the study examined how much these women had internalised society's negative views about higher BMI, known as weight bias internalisation (WBI).

The results were encouraging. Writing self-compassion letters improved body image across all groups. For women with high levels of internalised weight bias, these letters not only improved body image but also boosted self-compassion more effectively than the other activities.

This research not only highlights the importance of addressing internalised weight bias when developing strategies to enhance body positivity, but for me, confirms that self-compassion exercises can be a valuable tool for improving body image for us all.

How to practise self-compassion in your life

Cultivating more self-compassion all begins with a daily check-in. As I mentioned, mindfulness is one of the core components of self-compassion work—so being mindful of our thoughts and practising presence is critical. Far too often, we blindly accept the negative internal narratives constantly playing in our minds.

To counter this, we can bring our thoughts back to the present moment by simply noticing three new things in our surroundings—anything that you can see, hear, smell or feel. This subtle shift in attention helps pull our focus away from ruminating and grounds us in the here and now. Mindfulness isn't the same as meditation—it's about allowing yourself to pause and check in with where your mind is wandering, then re-engaging your senses to come back to the moment.

This simple practice of noticing three new sights, sounds, or textures can be done anywhere, any time you need to reset with self-compassion. It creates space to approach yourself with kindness rather than judgment.

Try also writing self-compassion letters; this takes a little more time but can actively help to engage your mind with positive reinforcement. Give yourself 30 minutes on this exercise.

Here's how you can start:
Reflect on your feelings: think about how your body makes you feel when you look in the mirror. Do you feel grateful, sad, embarrassed or angry?
Write a compassionate letter: write a letter from yourself to yourself, expressing compassion, understanding and acceptance for the part of yourself you struggle with. Be honest and nurturing in your words.
Embrace unconditional love: imagine someone who loves and accepts you unconditionally. What would they say about this part of you?
Recognise shared humanity: remind yourself that everyone has things they don't like about themselves and that nobody is 'perfect'.
Focus on positive changes: consider ways to improve or better cope with this part of yourself, focusing on positive changes that could make you feel happier and healthier.
Revisit your letter: after writing, put the letter away for a while. Revisit it later, especially when you're feeling bad about yourself, to remind yourself to be more self-compassionate.

Allow yourself to sit with these reflections, as you would with a dear friend in need. Take the time for self-compassion, because you deserve to treat yourself with the same kindness you would extend to others.

 

How to develop self-compassion long-term
I won't lie, self-compassion isn't an overnight transformation. Similar to building a meditation practice, some days you'll struggle to engage with it fully and the internal negative bias may be louder than others. In certain moments, you may not have the energy. But stick with it.

It's like brushing your teeth—a simple daily task that feels like a chore at times, but you know leaving it undone leaves you feeling worse. Self-compassion is the same. It requires consistency and patience, but over time this nurturing inner voice will become the norm. Your perspective gently shifts to a more positive lens.

Even now, I still struggle with fully embodying self-compassion. My harsh inner critic still pipes up more than I'd like. But I'm recognising this work as an act of deep self-care. It's consciously choosing to relate to myself with more tenderness instead of cruelty.

By treating ourselves with kindness, recognising our shared imperfections, and staying mindfully aware without judgment, we can break free from negative body image. Self-compassion allows us to build authentic self-worth from the inside-out. It's the radical act of self-love we all deserve, especially on the days we don't quite feel we're 'there' yet.

Sarah Ann Macklin is the founder of Live Well Be Well and a registered nutritionist. Follow her on YouTube, Instagram and subscribe to her newsletter.
 

Feature Image: Sophie van der Perre 

This article was first published on harpersbazaar.com/uk in June 2024. 

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